People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
You Might Also Like
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.