People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
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FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
*jingles half the way*
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*