People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
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batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
me refusing to leave twitter
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I falcon love using swear birds
“Sheer Arrogance”
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist