People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Risking my life for fun.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved