People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!