People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Science memes
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.