Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

Well, that didn’t work.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

This one never gets the credit it deserves