People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
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i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Lassie, get help!
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*