People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
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Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
the zen of frog
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Saturday
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess