people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
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My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.