people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
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License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Yup!
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Hell yeah 👍
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take