Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

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“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?