People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

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Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?


I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.


Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.


I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”


Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.


I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.


Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine


Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.


No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn’t follow through on at the end of the year, I’d get married again.


Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.