@WheelTod

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

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@huntigula

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

@XplodingUnicorn

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

@JeauxAlejandro

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

@RodLacroix

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

@KimmyMonte

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

@joeljeffrey

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

@lewisheywood

Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine

@CanadianCyn

Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.

@theshamingofjay

No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn’t follow through on at the end of the year, I’d get married again.

@Dawn_M_

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.