People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
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Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?