People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
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A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.