People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
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[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
welp
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.