People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
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I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide