People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
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Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese