Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

She was REALLY feeling it.

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.