Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom