People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
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Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?