People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
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Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Good boy 😂😂
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house