People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
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Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.