Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.