People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
You Might Also Like
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
every man in east london
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.