People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
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Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess