People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
You Might Also Like
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I hate my earbuds.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”