People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
good work, detective
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.