If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
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The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I only eat vegetarians.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?