People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
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I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
😂 amazing answer
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this