People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
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I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Love this guy
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.