Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

#StillHurts

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.