People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
You Might Also Like
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong