People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
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I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
☠️ ☠️
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.