Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

I’m not sorry.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to