People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
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A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Kermit goes Blue.
making my dog give me my pills
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
mood
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them