@UnFitz

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

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@isabelzawtun

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

@duckpuppet

In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature

@catstronomical

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

@Try2StopME

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

@capricecrane

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

@AimeeHelene1

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

@KentWGraham

After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.

@SPAC3CRAF

Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…

@Kernsti

When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was “interested in men” I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies