Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
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In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
– Fancy restaurants
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…
When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was “interested in men” I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies