People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
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I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.