People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
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ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Interior designer.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Ion see the issue
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Mornin
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
