Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me buying fruit and veg

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”