People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
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Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
sistine chapel
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.