People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
You Might Also Like
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.