Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.