Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much