People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
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When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
philosophical skeletons be like
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
this is the kind of friend i am
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup