people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.