people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
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A short story of betrayal:
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Now who done made this a sport lmao
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
#parenting
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Just grow your own
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*