Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.