Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

🐥🐣

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

jesus, what did this guy do

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.