People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
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can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Had an epiphany today.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.