People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
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me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.