People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
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I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.