Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business