People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
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Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Baller is short for ballerina
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
If snakes were wide
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER