People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
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Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now