People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
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Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey