Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

i wonder why they stopped looking

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

“OMGJK” -atheists