Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

wut hotdog?

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.