Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

Comparing yourself to others

I’m a self-made hundredaire

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU