Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”