People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
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I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
We all have our pet causes.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog