Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

Artwork by Herta Burbe

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

Very good news from my accountant

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.