People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
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My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
