People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
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so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Lmao
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Trying
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
