People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
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Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.