People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

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My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.


If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.


I hung a plant in my shower and I was trying to take a picture but my dog Drax thought I was taking a picture of him lmao


[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you


Make me wait this long there’d better be a foam masterpiece on my cappuccino, don’t even try to appease me with a fern


Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense


What if cats are born with names & the fact that we call them names that aren’t those names is the reason they act irrationally towards us?


Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car