People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
are they though??
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Easy enough.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.