Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning