people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
What?
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.