People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
“We will wed,” I threatened
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two