Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

When someone trying to leave me

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

How high do the levels go?

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers