People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Me too door. Me too.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*