People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*