People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.