people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
*seductively corrects your posture*
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.